Hello again…

I’d normally delete everything I’ve ever put up and completely start over… maybe I should, but I’m not because honestly it’s part of my story and my journey on life’s biggest adventure… Finding out who I am, why I’m here, and where am I supposed to be going. This has been a huge year for me. I have really grown spiritually and experienced healing mentally and emotionally. I no longer fear the unknown and trust that I am not in control. That has taken time to learn and accept. It really took me getting out of my own way. There have been some really hard times in my life. Although they have helped shape me… they do not define me. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on, working through, and truly learning while healing from the past. I can NOW see God working in my life even then. I see the amazing times I had with my grandparents and important people in my life at that time. It has taken me some time to see that because I had an anger inside of me that I didn’t understand. It’s hard not to be angry when you have to sift through piles of lies. I have learned, though, over the past year that holding on to anger only hurts me. As someone once said, “It’s like you drinking the poison expecting the other person to die,” and it’s so true. I was angry for the lies but I was also just hurt because I knew that every good memory I had growing up was now tainted with the knowledge that my mother and siblings were probably hurting while I was enjoying a family that wasn’t them and wasn’t really mine. Except they were mine. Those memories I had were real, and it took me healing the anger to see that God was all around. My birth father hurt a lot of people, and one day, he will have to answer for the ripple of pain and hurt he left in his wake, but it won’t be to me. I don’t want that burden. I am gladly handing that over to God and running the other direction. So instead, I’m focusing on me and how I can go ALL IN on God. I have been working on my mind and my spirit, but now I need to add in body. So I have been really intentional about walking and eating healthier, and it was really inspired by getting to know my new brother and his family. That’s right, I said NEW, brother… so to keep his privacy… well, his… I won’t reveal anything identifying other than he is my brother, and he is the same age as me because that is an important factor in how this relationship develops. When I found out about him It literally through my entire world for a loop. Like literally knocked me right to rock bottom…. I felt the real depth of my anger for the first time. Not towards my brother but for my brother. I know without a doubt that God has always had a plan for us, and this is only the beginning. I don’t know what it is, but I feel it deep inside me that him and I are going to go through something big together. So this will be the start of what I hope is many blogs about what has been going on the past 2 years and this amazing journey that God is preparing me for.